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This naughty musical hall song was written by Robert Patrick Weston (1878-1936) and Hubert Worton David. Although it is well-known and still in current oral tradition, it is rarely reported by collectors. Human ingenuity has composed various new verses to it, but the original has plenty for singers to get their teeth into, viz:
Now, twenty Christmases ago the Landlord of the ‘Star’
Said ‘Here’s a Christmas box for you a nine-penny cigar’
I smoked it up to Easter, then my dear devoted wife
Said ‘Why not throw the end away?’ I said ‘Not on your life.’
Chorus:That’s the end of my old cigar, Hoorah! Hoorah! Hoorah! I stroll up Piccadilly and they fancy I’m the Shah I’ve kept it now for twenty years to do the la-di-da And I’d rather lose my job then the end of my old cigar.
The other Whitsun Monday we all toddled to the zoo
I puffed away at my cigar and choked the kangaroo
And then I saw an animal that caused a lot of chaff
‘Twas called the ‘Um-ga-zoo-ze-lum’ and just to make it laugh.
Chorus:With the end of my old cigar, Hoorah! Hoorah! Hoorah! I tickled it beneath the chin, and then the wife’s Mamma Cried out ‘It hasn’t got a tail, it does look singular So I borrowed a pin and I stuck on the end of my old cigar.
I went to see Lord Kitchener a week or two ago
I said ‘I’ve got a great idea to kill the German foe’
I said ‘If you send me out there, I’ll stop their swank and bluff
Then just to show my dignity, I took another puff.
Chorus:With the end of my old cigar, Hoorah! Hoorah! Hoorah! I said ‘You leave this war to me, old cock. and there you are If I can’t kill ’em off with shells, they’ll get a nasty jar I’ll poison the whole darned lot of them with the end of my old cigar.
I used to be a sailor, but when I was on the sea
The vessel struck upon a rock just off the Zuyder Zee
The Captain yelled ‘We’re sinking’ But I said ‘You’re up the pole.’
And soon they saw your humble servant bunging up the hole.
Chorus:With the end of my old cigar, Hoorah! Hoorah! Hoorah! I bunged the hole up in the ship and saved each jolly tar But soon they shouted ‘Fire’ but the cabin boy said ‘Bah, He’s under the boat and puffing away at the end of his old cigar.
To help the Prince of Wales’ fund, and do our little share
We gave a swell bazaar down at the Mission room, and there
My wife was selling kisses to the Dukes and Earls it’s true
She charged them half a sov’reign each, and I was helping too.
Chorus:With the end of my old cigar, Hoorah! Hoorah! Hoorah! We got the Prince of Wales a thousand pounds at our bazaar The wife was selling kisses to the swells at ‘half a bar’ And I was running a peep show with the end of my old cigar.
As I was coming home one night I saw a house on fire
I thought I’d show my courage that the ladies all admire
So I climbed up a ladder, and the flames began to fight
Then just to show how cool I was, I stopped to get a light.
Chorus:With the end of my old cigar, Hoorah! Hoorah! Hoorah! Then all at once my missus shouted ‘Wake up, can’t you Pa I told you not to smoke in bed, you fool, and there you are You’ve burned a hole in your nightshirt with the end of your old cigar.
I went to good old Southend, and when night began to fall
I thought I’d go and have a swim behind a cockle stall
But there I found a lady who’d been washed up on the shore
She’d nothing on but seaweed, so I took another draw.
Chorus:With the end of my old cigar, Hoorah! Hoorah! Hoorah! She shouted out to me ‘Oh sir, I don’t know who you are But give me something, do, to put round my fig-ah So I gave her the ‘band’ I’d taken off the end of my old cigar.